Though we didn't have internet, I decided to upload the gorgeous pictures I'd taken to my computer. I'd only gotten a few shots of us together. We rarely took pictures together anymore. At one time, we'd held a strong banner, we'd had a declaration to the outside world of the happiness our bodies couldn't hold. Where had all the romance gone? He used to write me letters almost daily; he'd surprise me with flowers, he'd take me to buy art supplies, "Paint whatever you want," he'd say. He never had any expectation that I'd paint for him...he just loved to watch me paint. He knew that most of my money was spent making projects for him so he was always willing to chip in to support my craft. I loved to paint for him. He was my inspiration.
I hadn't opened my computer in forever. Due to my incapability to shut it down properly, the first thing that met my eyes was a lifeless, frozen Safari page still hanging on my screen. My breath caught in my chest. I'd forgotten what I'd been reading when my computer died. My email was open and there it was...the letter from April. It read:
Jade,
I was incredibly infuriated after our conversation about your low self confidence in the car today that I can't even look at you right now. Your self pity disgusts me. I refuse to take the fall for this no matter what I did. My mistakes shouldn't affect your self esteem. I told you, it had nothing to do with you...I just made a mistake. I hate being the monster. And after-all, you've never felt good enough. I couldn't make you feel secure even before I did that. Stop pinning your issues on me. I should be the one that feels bad.
How do you think I feel? Look at the clothes you wear! You pile on layers. I'm the guy with the girlfriend that dresses like an amish girl. God forbid you show off your body at all. And GOD FORBID you ever buy anything new. Maybe if you actually took a little bit of pride in yourself you'd actually feel like a woman instead of feeling like crap all the time. Just a thought.
Brent
I sunk down in my seat.
I'd already begun making an effort to save up for new clothes. I never had money because I was terrible with my finances and when I did make money I usually spent on gifts or romantic evenings for him. I had to admit though, in ways he was right. How was I supposed to keep him interested if I didn't take care of myself? In his defense, I should have been strong enough inside myself to be able to take the news with dignity. I shouldn't have yelled like I did. I'd always felt so much shame afterwards for yelling. It was just so unexpected. I could have never conceived he would be the type of guy I'd always been afraid of. It didn't fit him either. It puzzled me constantly
How could someone be so perfect and do such cutting things?
I constantly marveled at how in some ways I felt like I knew him better than I knew myself, and in others
I knew nothing about him at all.
2.
I frequently did what any girl would do.
I frequently did what any girl would do.
I frequently did what any girl would do.
I lied a lot, with eloquence and false reasoning to justify him;
I became
The poster child
For taking the blame.
3.
When the last day "up north" came, we packed our things and closed the cabin down for the season. Leaving northern Michigan was one of the most heart-wrenching things I'd ever had to do. I squeezed my leather-bound journal, fighting back the tears. Something inside me knew that I would never have the opportunity to lay in a hammock, and stare up at those beautiful tree tops ever again. I marveled at how the sun peaked between the leaves in all the right places and tall trunks and limbs cast shadows that felt as dark and hollow on the inside as me. I had the audacity to make a "we" statement. It felt awkward as it came out of my mouth.
"You're never gonna have to give this up. You know, like, no-matter where we live. We're always going to come back here. At least...promise me we will. I don't know that I can live without this place."
"Thanks,"
He said coldly.
I immediately felt stupid.
Who was I to believe I'd ever have any say in his future
Or what we would or would not do?
Just like always, I shut my mouth.
I laid my head back, heavily and weakly...
Knowing that I would always only forever be
The girl that was
Just along for the ride.
4.
We sat outside the mexican restaurant. I hadn't seen Luke in ages. My heart ached to talk to him. He and Brent had been friends forever. I was constantly in awe that anyone could be so kind. His heart was tender and I was sure some portion of it had to be southern. He was warm; he constantly beamed. I was continually amazed that Brent could be so cold to people I cared about and yet have such amazing friends. I felt honored to know them. But I always felt honored to have any involvement with Brent. I was intrigued with him, I was grateful that anyone as perfect as him would let me be involved in his life. It didn't matter that I was the butt of the joke most of the time. It didn't matter that I felt second, or third or fourth or fifth best to the other girls he wanted. It didn't matter that at the end of the day he was always halfway out the door. If, at night, I could go to bed knowing that he was still mine, my life had a purpose. My life made sense. I had worth. I was loved.
I knew when we fought, that if he turned around and looked back at me before he actually left
it meant he'd come back and forgive me for whatever stupid mistake I'd made this time.
I found hope in his inability to make up his mind about whether he wanted me or not...
the small portion of the time he actually wanted me made up for all the hurt that happened
when he wasn't sure that he did. I loved him so wide and so deep it compensated for the days when he
absolutely could not love me. I couldn't blame him after-all...I was hard to handle...I was an"exotic animal."
I was grateful that he would even consider keeping me.
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