This week has been phenomenal. Monday started tremendously after a lovely weekend with the fabulous Morgan Fite. Saturday night I attended her mother's Heart For Africa party and dined on delicious spaghetti with her family. Sunday we went to Forward and the sermon was amazing as always; afterward we spent the entire day in the garden writing with the company of Jared and (later) Elliot Wheat. I completed a Hester paper without compromising my sleep schedule and with only scraping by on sources! I'd accidentally checked out only books on 1 Corinthians (and of-course the library was closed on Sunday); marinate in the irony that my Buddhist friend was the one who pointed it out!
   Tuesday was beautiful! Lundy and I took an entire day and spent it lying in the grass at Percy Warner Park. We've decided to be writing buddies--we had a BLAST! It's been so amazing getting to know him better; it's awesome to have someone so inquisitive to bounce my ideas off of!
   I've been getting a lot of hours lately which I'm really grateful for; I LOVE my job, I genuinely do. I will miss it when summer comes. As of now, I'm up late completing our novel for Hudson's class and watching math videos. I'm ready for both classes to be over. Thursday is the most miserable day of my week. I can't stand my classes and they are both SO late during the day. I'm always the weariest on Thursdays.
  Lately Andrew and I have been writing back and forth. It's been so refreshing to wake up to letters. I never realized what a great writer he is. I miss him terribly; I wish things would have been different in high school. I wish I would have listened more, loved more and been there more. He's always been my best friend. I think he's the only person I'm willing to Skype with now. I hate Skype...there's too much there, too many old memories--but that's healing too.
 
It's amazing what forgiveness does...except for I have this strange feeling that I'm not forgiven back. And that's okay. I don't deserve to be. I was foolish to think he'd ever want to be my friend again. It's like that sermon said "Forgiveness is not reconciliation." I guess he can't like me. And that's okay. I was listening to the Dixie Chicks this morning and there was this line in an old song I never really paid any attention to. In "Favorite Year" they sing something like:

 "We had our future figured out, but sometimes love just doesn't seem to conquer all; we search for someone else to blame...but sometimes things can't stay the same."

  It is selfish of me to wish it okay just because I am okay;
  That really doesn't take him into consideration.
  I just wish I didn't make him feel so terribly miserable.

  Tonight, I got a quad-americano...four shots of espresso. But it's wearing off. This post is junk, but I'm leaving it up. This is caffeine inspired.
   I wish I could tip my hat to the evening, but instead I am going to exfoliate and check up on my phone battery that should be coming in the mail soon! I have gone THREE WEEKS without a phone. It'll come to life and die...come to live and die...
   Miserable and liberating...it is.

   I got my car detailed today; I have a perfectly manicured life now. I always think of Thomas. If only I had been this person for him; I don't think he would have stopped loving me. I wonder how long I'll hate myself for messing everything up and losing him. The grand tragedy of it all is that the loss of him was the catalyst to my being everything he wanted me to be. It's a sick composition.

    But I took a drive today and came to realize


    I am starting to at least be okay with alone time.
    I'm not afraid of the silence anymore.